Kal-e-forn-ya

DAY ONE

Those of you who know me, know how organized and structured I like things to be. Although I like to convince myself that I'm somewhat spontaneous, a trip across the country for a limited amount of time cannot be left up to chance. So, it will come to no surprise to you readers that not only did I have a commercial realtor helping me find space for the daycare, but I also had a property realtor who was to help me find a rental space to live in. Well, in order to bring you to last weeks shananagins in LA, I have to go back to the week before at the beach house, which would be one week before I was to leave for LA. This is when I got the devastating email from my property realtor that said she was not going to work with me. And it didn't really have anything to do with something that I did, but something that someone said at my commercial Realtors location. Apparently this guy, who the property lady had actually recommended that I use, got this giant bug up his ass when I told him that I had found another guy IN HIS OFFICE NO LESS that I was starting to use. Normally I don't have a problem with the two heads are better than one scenario, but since they were working in the same office, for essentially the same company, I wanted to be open and honest about my current position. Well, this did not sit well with him and not only did he lecture me, but he went on to lecture my property realtor about pure nonsense. And not that blame her, but she then, instead of dealing with the monster head on, ran in the opposite direction. It was absolutely absurd. So, there I was a week before my trip, with the main objective to find a place to live, and no one to show me around. I'm not normally an ass kisser either, but I pulled out some of my best material to get this lady back. After a few emails back and forth and a few short conversations on the phone, we were back in business. I just had to keep my worlds separate, which I had no problem doing in the first place.

The main thing I learned upon my initial research into moving to California is that the places you look at and might be interested in one day, are probably not going to be around the next. So, in order to start looking, you should only plan your strategy the week of your search. Unfortunately this meant looking on Craigslist, and the local Long Beach paper, every day and contacting those places that I wanted to look at immediately to set up appointments for Thursday. Meanwhile, ole Christy (property realtor) ran a report of houses that were open in the area and only told me the day before I was leaving that I needed to call all of the houses that I wanted to look at and set up appointments with them between noon and two, because that's when she scheduled the time with me. It was at this exact moment when I started to wonder why in the world this woman was doing anything for me, or what exactly she was doing. So, armed with a three page report, I began my calling. In my fruitless efforts I only set up two meetings of the five houses I wanted to look at. Christy had said she would handle the rest, but to meet her at her work at noon that day. Okay, no problem. On my own, I had managed to track down five other places I wanted to see as well so it was going to be jammed packed day. Not to mention that I HAD to be out of the area by 4 pm at the latest or I was going to sit on the 405 for the rest of the night trying to get to my brothers place. So, Craig and I were up and at 'em around 9 am Thursday morning. Since he's live in California his entire life, he was extremely helpful with this day. He suggested that not only do we look at places that I've printed out, but it's also a good idea to drive up and down each of the streets to see if there were other places that we might be able to take a look at. For this trip, he was the brains of the operation. But our mission was dual purposed. You see, his property got transferred so he was moving to the area as well. Coincidence? You can decide for yourself. Well, we began our journey and were designated to each side of the street to look for signs. Up and down, up and down, up and down we went. From the ocean to Boardwalk and back again. Stopping every now and then to get out of the car and call a sign. We walked into places, looked around for a second and walked out. His heart was just not in it. We went to my first set appointment in a place that from the outside had great potential. The building was right on the water, there was secured parking underneath, and the grocery store was right next door. It was all looking wonderful until the guy showing us the place took us to the wrong side of the building. My view was of the grocery store and the local bums that were hanging out. Craig was not a fan of me living here and thought that I would be the one protecting Scout and not the other way around. So, out we went and headed to meet Christy. At this point I wasn't feeling defeated, only excited about what she might have in store for us. So we sit down, go over our game plan and out we go. The first place was AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL. We walk into a huge open area with a sun room off to the side. A faux fireplace and Oh My Goodness what is this?!?!?!? A HUGE WALK-IN CLOSET!!!! This is unheard of in California! I felt similar to the way that I've been feeling at the car dealership's lately. Showing me the upscale version of the car before you tear me down to what I can actually afford. Only, I can afford this, but the sign out front says, ABSOLUTELY NO PETS. There are a few things I know in life, but absolutes are pretty clearly defined. Christy was a little thrown back, but Craig and I look at each other in that all knowing way and know this place might be too good to be true. So, Christy tells me that she's going to call the owner on the way to the next location and see if there is something we can work out. Sounds like my kind of plan. Second place, a little ways down the road, but on a main street. Now, I picked this from the pictures so I can't totally blame her here, but this will be the first, of many times I utter the words WTF and not shortened. We walk into signs that read STEP UP and STEP DOWN. Immediately I'm thinking, no. I mean, you walk in the front door and go left to "STEP DOWN" into a bedroom? or office? or law practice? Then "STEP UP" to the remainder of the house. Yeah, let's just move on, and so we did. The next house was set up by yours truly and I was REALLY excited about seeing it. It was so cute from the pictures, even cuter from the outside and when I walked in I thought, YES! This is it. I walked into the mecca of all kitchens and knew this was the one I would put an offer down on. But then good ole Christy says, "so you're okay with her dog here?" To which the lady replied, "oh no, we aren't allowing pets in here at all". WTF!!! So, for those of you keeping track at home, of the 5 places I picked to look at, and the 3 we've looked at so far, the two I like don't allow dogs. The FIRST requirement I ever gave this lady and she couldn't get this straight. I can only imagine what else she has in store. With my head held low we leave my dream house and follow her to our final destination of the day. With a quick, random, stop at Carl's Jr, where Craig and I are convinced she dropped a deuce because she never came out with a burger or a drink or anything, but was gone for a awfully long time. We literally drive for another 30 minutes to go look at this last house. Yet another one of my requirements was to stay in a particular area in which we are no where near. Now, I'm pissed, frustrated, and starving. Craig tells me to just tell her we're leaving and not interested in even looking in, but contrary to some people's opinion of me, I am a nice person, so I look inside. I know by walking in the front door I don't like this place. It gives off this creepy vibe and terrible old person smell. But, against everything telling me not too, I take a look in the backyard. Should have listened to my instinct. I know LA is a movie town, but this backyard should be in a scary movie. In the daytime I turned back around and headed back when I saw not one, but two rusting old ambulances. Really?!?!? Two? This is just weird. So, I head back inside, tell Christy it's definitely time to go when OUT OF NO WHERE the creepy lady who owns the place sneaks up on us. I seriously thought she came out of the wall, I never heard her come in. I backed out of the place and made a run for it to the car where Craig was waiting. He never even got out. Ohhhh Clyde to my Bonnie, you gotta love the person driving the getaway car. So, completely deflated, we head back 30 min to grab a quick bite before we see the final two houses that I set up appointments for. Those two were seriously anti-climatic so I'll move right to what you're waiting for anyway...

Sooooooooooooooooo, after about an hour and a half drive which should only take 45 min on a normal day, I pull up to my brothers house. Where I am greeted by my brother and his room mate holding a rope, containing a goat! Yes, that's right, I have the privilege and honor to meet Nibbler. And it was just how you all would think. Only, I've got to say, this goat is probably one of the cutest things I've ever seen. But, all it does is Bahhhhh. I see my nephew, Budah in the distance, just sitting in the driveway, looking miserable. Wondering when someone is going to come and save him from his misery. I felt this poor puppies pain. I walk in the front door only to see a pile of hay in the middle of the floor. Two things come to mind when you see hay on some one's floor? Am I staying in a barn, I sure hope they have enough blankets, and WTF! I mean, really? Hay? On the floor? I guess you have a goat and it prevents them from eating, say your couch, but keep the damn thing outside. Oh, that's right, you can't, because I'm fairly certain it's illegal to have a goat in LA. So, we walk into Phillip's bedroom where I have to get back onto the computer to extend my housing search. As I'm sitting at the desk, Nibbler jets into the room, grabs the first wad of paper that she sees and jets right back at. By the seconds that it takes my brother to get out of his bed and chase the goat to see what she's eaten, it's already gone and all she's doing is Bahhing at him. I know how irritating it is to him, but all I can do is laugh. It's just one of those sounds that you don't hear every day and it really sounds like she's talking back at him. It's hilarious. I'm really mad at myself for not taking a video of it. But, because she blew it, we now have to close the door at all times. So, we go out, go to his show and come home. I have to blow past that part because I MUST get back to the goat and when we roll into the house at 1:30 in the morning. Just like a barking dog, we are greeted with a "friendly" bahhhhhhhhhh. Oh, and before I forget, it's not your normal run of the mill bahhh, no this one is with her head cocked and she's looking at you out of the corner of her eyes type of thing. It's almost evil. So, we head back to the bedroom armed with our food. She continues to bahhh and I have to head out to the kitchen to put my drink back. Brother's last words, careful where you step. Noted, but that's not what made me laugh. What made me laugh was that as I'm making my way into the kitchen, the bahhhh makes me look to find the goat, on top of the mantle. It was unreal. It was like she was trying to climb that mountain and just couldn't make it, so she settled for the mantle. Classic!!! An almost 30 year old man, who lives with a goat that climbs mantles. Needless to say, my brother and I had a sleep over, something we haven't done since we were kids, all because he didn't want to sleep with the goat. SO AMAZING!!!

And that was just day one....