Alright, I get it, you need one day a year that you can "start over" and basically try and trick yourself that you're going to be better than you were the day before. I'll admit, I've tried to trick myself year after year, into thinking that I could do something different this year than I have in the past. That maybe, just maybe this year might be THE year for something big to happen to me. So, instead of making my new years resolution, I would like to take a few moments to hate on the biggest new years resolution of all. In letter form.
Dear people who claim that they are going to lose weight and start working out starting the first of the year: i.e. fat people,
I gotta hand it to you, every year you think that you're going to make it past those first two weeks. And for those two weeks, you work really, really REALLY hard to get there. But let me go ahead and tell you how this ends for 90% of you. Jan. 1 you wake up refreshed, you think, no, I'm not going to have that diet soda that I normally inhale on my way into Biscuitville. Today, I'm going to have a nice glass of juice and a bowl of oatmeal. This is the year of the new me. Then, you rip the tags off your brand new workout clothes, and put on your "just out of the box" tennis shoes, and you head out the door, to the gym. And you, and your fellow resolutioners, take up ALL the parking spots at the gym. You also take up most of the equipment and the space in the classes. For the rest of us that attend the gym on a regular basis, these resolutions of yours are completely annoying. For starters, we have to completely change our routine based on the fact that for two weeks you are going to inconvenience our lives. Number 1, the fact that I now have to get to the gym 30 minutes before my scheduled class time, just to make sure I am either at the front of the line, or within enough time to have equipment at my disposal is rough. Number 2, you literally do take up every close parking space to the front door. When it's 32 degrees and my skinny ass has to haul it from the absolute end of the parking lot to the front door, it makes me not want to go. But as the door says, "Know that getting here is half the battle". Why not start your workout early, from the parking lot? Number 3, the gym I go to now is gigantic. I mean, if you take the size of a grocery store and gut it, expand it, and put gym equipment in it, that's my gym. It's huge. And the cardio equipment takes up 50% of it. That's a lot of cardio equipment. So, now you're telling me I have to wait in line to go on an elliptical for 30 minutes?!?!?! That's ridiculous! You know you're really just wasting the $40 a month that it takes to join this gym, right? You are literally only going to be here for a month, MAX. Let me be clear though, I am NOT speaking to the 10% of you out there that will succeed. I would love each and every one of you to keep at it, but I know you won't. Oh, you'll be back. Right around Spring Break time, or before bathing suit season. Thinking that if you workout hard for the next two weeks than the bathing suit, which you bought in a size smaller, will fit. And not only fit, you'll look good in it. Again, these little inconveniences in my life are a bit annoying. I'm sure I do things in your world that you wish I wouldn't. And if you point those out to me, I'll be happy to stop. But until then, if you wouldn't mind just calling a spade a spade and saving me and my fellow regular gym goers the hassle of you starting your New Years resolutions as losing weight, I would really appreciate it. Maybe start by shopping healthier. Maybe walk to the gym. Maybe I'll just start a gym, solely for the people that want to lose weight in January and April and call it New Beginnings. I'll rent out space for those two months and charge and ass load of money, which you'll pay and you can get out of this contract at the end of these months, hassle free. What's not to love about that? At least with my gym, you'll be surrounded by people just like you. The semi-motivated people that will stick with things for a month and get bored because they don't see results like the people on The Biggest Loser. I will say this in closing my letter. I wish you the best of luck with whatever the new year brings, but if you're giving up going to the gym because you're not loosing the weight as fast as you would like, think about how long it took you to gain that. That's some hard work and dedication you put into looking like that. If you put the same effort into getting in shape, the rewards will be out of this world.
I get that I'm not perfect, and I do realize that my, well you know, stinks, but honestly, for my entire life of going to the gym, this has been one of the biggest pet peves of my life. I bet the trainers and the sales staff just smell the fresh meat when they walk in the door. It honestly wouldn't bother me so much, if I didn't have to walk in the cold and the wind. When that blows right through you, forget it. I would rather hang out in my car or in the gym until the next day when it could be possibly warm.
Okay, I'm down off my soapbox now. Gotta find a silver lining around here somewhere. Going to start looking for it :o)
Enjoy the weekend everyone!
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