Fashion Police

Does anyone know what the shelf life of underwear is? I'm sure I could Google it and ask the fashion "experts" out there, but my fear is that they would probably say about three weeks, to which I would raise up in such a panic that I'm going to soon die from crotch rot or underwearatitis, that I would rather use a life line to phone a friend. I mean honestly, how embarrassing it would be to die from underwearatitis. Please promise me that if that does happen you all will just tell the other that it was from some staph infection I got in 'Nam and not because I waited too long to change out the ole bloomers. Just to be clear it's not like I'm roaming around the place in holy garments that are barely hanging on by a string. However, funny story. Some new underwear I bought, let's say within the last year, I decided to put on after a good old fashion shower. I was a little concerned that we were a little light on coverage on one side, but like a good gambling girl, I took a risk. I honestly thought that I wasn't going to participate in any strenuous activity which might involve pushing this particular pair over the brink. However, as I made it into the kitchen, a discovery was made that the garbage disposal wasn't working so as I bent over to look for the reset button, the final seconds of this favorite pair of underwear were lived. It was a sad moment indeed. It's hard work to find your favorite pair of each article of clothing that you own and when you do, your expectation is that they are going to live forever. It's not like I bought a goldfish or a plant! This is fabric people! So, as I lay my underwear down to its final resting place, I go back downstairs to find our second string player. But, as I begin to look through my drawer, I notice that my dras have somehow all become out of date. When was the last time I actually did a thorough inspection? Okay, I know that it's been a LONG time since someone has seen me on a regular basis in these things, but serious Galanty, what have you done?!?!? Do you live in workout clothes so much that you fail to notice your good undies have abandoned ship? So I started wondering if the whole one bad apple theory applies to underwear too. Like, was my favorite pair the leader and the rest of them did what she told them too? If she was going down, was everyone going with her?!?! And so out of curiosity, I took a look into the bra drawer to see if the same rebellion was going on there. I'm telling you people, I need to really start paying attention to what I'm putting on my body. I mean, what if I were to run into Justin Timberlake at a bar and he wants to feel me up and I have a hole in my bra and not to mention the fact that I wouldn't even want to take my pants off due to embarrassment. I believe this theory is going to run the remainder of my days as a single lady. WWJT!! What Would Justin Think?!?!? So as my tax return is put into my account, our 'unmentionables' in which I have devoted an entire blog too, is moved closer to the top of the list of things that MUST be purchased when I have money. Let's just hope that Justin isn't in DC this week.....