Eat, Pray, Love

Have you ever seen, or read, or heard something so profound that you just knew as soon as it hit you that it was going to change your life? I consider myself a pretty grounded person. Sure I subscribe to People Magazine and I will watch the entire half hour of Access Hollywood, but as far as life changing things go, I'm usually pretty black and white. About a year ago I read the book, Eat, Pray, Love. At the time of this reading, I was lying on a beach on vacation. For those of you who haven't read this book, I highly recommend it. To summarize and totally not do it justice, this book is a story about the author who was in a relationship that she didn't want, leading a life that she didn't feel was hers, and just needed to find who she was. As I was reading each word, I looked to my companion and thought, what am I doing? Is this what I want to be doing? Is this who I want to be here with? And not that there was anything terrible going on, but was this what I wanted? For the longest time, I've always felt that I was living the life that everyone else expected of me. I got good grades in high school, I never drank, I never smoked pot, I never stayed out past curfew. I always looked at my brother in sister in awe of how they just lived the life they wanted to have. Even after I graduated from college, I never took time off to travel around the world or just kick back. No, I immediately started working for my dad as soon as my bags were shipped back home. And this is no ones fault but the ideas that I created into my own head of what others, I thought expected of me. I've stayed in relationships WAY too long with guys that were in no way good enough for me because I never wanted to hurt anyone. I always thought that if I ended it, that might be it for me. I never thought I deserved better. Through all this, I've always prided myself on the people that I've surrounded myself with that I would consider friends. I know I've said before how amazing my friends are, but I just don't think there are enough words in the world to describe how I feel about these people. So, when it came time to do something for myself and finally take my life into my own hands, it was a scary moment, or moments. To be completely honest, the past couple of weeks without a job have been the most introspective times of my entire 32 years of existence. There is not one person that you can turn to because you are doing this whole thing for yourself. And that is completely foreign to me. I know it might seem completely impossible for one person to never feel that she has been selfish, but it's true. When I was growing up, I felt the full responsibility to make sure that my brother was safe. We never had parents that beat us or anything like that, but to me, he has always been the weaker one. The one that wouldn't be able to fight for himself if it came right down to it. It never occurred to me that no one was looking out for me. All the time I focused on others, I never knew who I really was. I know I am a loyal and honest person. I am a kickass sister, daughter, friend, girlfriend. I would lay down in traffic for anyone that I know would do it back to me, but I've never let anyone lay down on the sword for me. So, again I emphasis, these past two weeks have almost been like an out of body experience. Now, that being said, I have never once questioned the actual act of quitting my job, but the idea of not knowing where money is going to come from is a TERRIFYING thought. But you know what is even more terrifying? Not worrying about it. Not caring what is going to happen and having full and total faith that something will. And that something is going to huge. I've spent so much of my life telling myself that I wasn't doing anything that was helping anyone. That what I did, didn't really make a difference, in the grand scheme of things. But it did. I wouldn't be where I am, without where I've been. I wouldn't be who I am without the situations and the people that I have been around. I know this is deep and almost completely out of character for me, but last night, while sitting in the movie theater, watching Eat, Pray, Love, it was almost as if my life, my worries, my thoughts, my inner most demons were being played out on a screen. And as the following words were uttered "I realized that once I let everything go, the world was able to welcome me and show me its possibilities" I stopped thinking. My life has been a long series of "what ifs" that I lost site of what's happening now. Living in the moment is hard in the age of tivo and netflix and blackberrys. The world just seems to keep on spinning, and we just keep on missing it. I decided right there and then that my life was going to be different! I am going to live like it IS the last day of my life. I'm going to do things that I want to do. They might not be the right thing or the hip thing or the in thing, but I don't care anymore. The whole point of this phase in my life was to live, and the more time I devote to changing what I really can't, the more of life I'm wasting. I am so excited to welcome the world back and start to see things in a brighter light. I do believe that life really does change when you stop to smell the roses. And if I haven't done, give yourself a hug for me :o)