1400, 24, 3

I have never in my life hated numbers more than I do today. I am aware that we need numbers in our lives almost as much as we need oxygen, however, today I'm simply going to try and ignore them. If these three numbers were my winning lottery ticket numbers or how many seconds, minutes, and hours until I get to lay my head back on my pillow, I would love it, but they are not. Unfortunately, these numbers are the amount of miles I drove, the amount of hours I was in my car, and the number of days in which this all was accomplished this weekend. 1400 is a lot for one weekend, or really one trip. Do you know where one could go from Winston Salem in 1400 miles? Halfway across the country, that's where! But you know where I went? Jersey. Not Jersey, TX, not Jersey, SD, New Jersey, New Jersey. Fist pumping, big hair, guidolishish dirty Jersey. For those of you mapquesting this journey at home, the actual distance it should have taken me to get up to my location is 528.6 miles. Upon getting back into my car to start my trip back home yesterday, I had already driven 700 and some odd miles. I could hardly believe it myself. I am convinced that I spent more time in my car than out of it and even further convinced that I spent more time in my car than I did sleeping. Needless to say I'm extremely tired this morning and running on fumes. To make matters worse, after crossing the Delaware bridge it started raining. And not just the occasional sprinkle or two, but the HOLY CRAP grab your arc and pair of animals type down pour. I can't be certain, but I think I passed Noah on my way down 85. ( just in case you didn't get the arc reference the first time) And all this for a drama filled, anxiety ridden bridal shower weekend. If nothing else, I have learned lessons that will truly last me a life time. Allow me to enlighten you all:
1. Upon leaving for an extremely long trip, make sure to leave work before 5 pm. This will ensure that you will get to your destination before your normal bed time. Don't think that by leaving later you will actually avoid traffic and might be able to cut your trip shorter. The time in which you leave makes no difference, unless your vehicle is a plane.
2. Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT eat at a Quizno's ANYWHERE on 85 N. These people are slow and stupid. There were four people that were standing behind the counter and only one making sandwiches. I couldn't tell you exactly what the other three were doing, but I can tell you they were not working. And God bless the little Asian woman in front of me that didn't speak a lick of English except for the phrase, "Kids Eat Free?". So LaShonda thought if she spoke louder, slower, and with a bit more attitude that the lady would understand her. All that did was piss me off. But, I will say this, to those of you readers that are unemployed, do I have an opportunity for you!
3. I do, indeed, have some very interesting revelations on my long drives. One trip I decided what entire meal that I would have if I were on death row and given my last supper. I have no idea what I've done to get in prison and have a last meal, but it really wasn't the point of the exercise. Included in this meal were alcoholic drink, non alcoholic drink, appetiser, entree (including side item), and dessert. I would have thought this particular process would have taken me a bit of time, but among my many journeys through life in the form of food, I found that this particular task did not take longer than an hour. My conclusions were dirty grey goose martini (extra dirty), Arnold Palmer, Cheese Fries from Snuffers, Fajitas from Pappasitos with fried Spinach from Firebirds on the side, and plain cheesecake with a chocolate chip cookie crust. I did warn you that I have some interesting conversations with my self while I'm in the car for a long time, but this was another trip. On this particular evening I concluded that in my next life, I would like to come back as my dog. Not just any dog, but my dog. This girl has the life. She doesn't have to drive anywhere, someone feeds you, scratches your head and belly when you want it, and cleans up your poop after you go? Perhaps that thumbs are overrated and if we don't have them, others might be able to do more for us. Maybe Brett was right, Ariel. Who is in charge?
4. Don't listen to your cousin when she tells you that it's only going to be an hour and 15 minutes more from where you are. 3 hours later you will arrive.
5. I will not, under any circumstance, be having a wedding! The whole ordeal seems more about the relatives and what other people want as opposed to the actual bride and groom. At what point do these two people get lost in the minutia? When does, what they want, not matter? B/c I will say this, if you don't want to have a shower, don't. If you don't want to have a wedding, don't. In the end, you're going to have a terrible time b/c you've already built it up.
6. It does not matter how old you are, never, under any circumstance is it okay to sass your grandma. You are NEVER too old to be punished!
7. The people on the show The Jersey Shore are actually an extremely beautiful version of what you will see on the boardwalk. My family literally lives on the other side of the bridge from Seaside Heights. Never in my life have I seen so little clothes, so many "Italian Pride" t-shirts or booty shorts, or a shit hole more popular than I did this weekend. The same thing is just going to happen to Miami as soon as that train wreck starts. And I will guarantee you that the gay community will be up in arms soon b/c there is no doubt in my mind that one of those meat heads is going to say something so wildly inappropriate. I just hope they get clocked for it.
8. A girl can only take so much Kelly Clarkson, Usher, Lady Antebelum, and Pink before she starts to hate them. It's definitely time to update the old ipod.
9. In the Sheetz vs. Wawa challenge, the one in the front is Wawa. Now, I still love you Sheetz and I will MTO you every day of the week and perhaps even twice on Sundays, but your competition just made it a little harder. If you have not frequented one of these establishments, I truly suggest you turn your nose back down and believe that a gas station can make one hell of a sandwich. I didn't think so either until I gave it a shot. You see, you can essentially make your own sandwich and someone else puts it together for you. It's like your own personal sandwich chef. You can choose your bread, your cheese, your toppings and most importantly your condiments. This is where Wawa took the prize yesterday. So listen up Sheetz. It's time you expanded your condiment list. Let's get past the mustard, mayo, ranch, oil and vinegar and kick it up a notch. I love me some ranch and upon ANY normal day would choose it, however, if you are giving me the option of adding creamy delicious Miracle Whip to my sandwich, you will have me at hello. I mean, who does that?!?!?!?! What an amazing surprise along my journey home. Of course, it was only an hour into the drive and I had to go the back way since 95 was all backed up, but still! What an amazing discovery. So Sheetz, now you know what you have to do to get me back, but it still might not work since they did have it first.
And last but in no way least # 10. There is an Amazing Race slot machine!!!!! I thought I had died and gone to heaven AN AMAZING RACE SLOT MACHINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was probably the most exciting thing that happened to me all weekend, and let me tell you that besides the lessons that I learned, there is MUCH more to the story.

Well, happy Tuesday to you all and oh by the way, it's only 7 hours and 34 minutes before I visualize me laying my head on my pillow and passing out for the next 9 hours.