From bad to worse

Let me start off by saying that no one has died, or no limbs have fallen off so in that respect all is going well in my world, but all that aside, I have had one terrible ending of a day. Work was fine. Nothing too dramatic happened there. We still have way more managers than we possibly need, but that's besides the point. Remember the mission I was on just a few short weeks back with the uniform? Yeah, well that nightmare followed me to California. I was informed by my 192nd contact that I spoke to at Pebble Beach that I would only be responsible for my khaki pants and white collared shirts and they would provide an "official blazer" for me. As we all so painfully remember what an extremely excruciating mission that was. Well this week, there was some talk about me having to go out and find a blazer to wear for next week. I was fighting that tooth and nail, knowing how hard it would be to go out in the world and find something that took me weeks to find its counterparts too. So, today I was informed that I do indeed need to go and purchase my own blue blazer and that they would reimburse me the expense. A few minor issues I have with this situation. 1. WHAT?!?!?!? 2. A Navy blue blazer in the beginning of summer in California? 3. I'm 5'10" 1/2 with long ass Gumby arms that wouldn't fit a regular suit jacket. and last but not least, 4. I don't know where the f I am, let alone how to find a suit jacket in a few days notice. I'm handed $300, a name of an exit where a Macy's is, and bid adue for the day. Wow, thanks for letting me leave early? As I set out on my way, I miss my exit, have to turn around and come back. As I'm entering the highway back in the direction I just came from, I'm kind of confused how I missed this thing the first time. I bet if it had a big giant bulls eye on the front I wouldn't miss it. I weave my way around the outdoor mall and find the Macy's. I'm hopeful b/c right next door is an Ann Taylor Loft. They usually have all kinds of things so I have to be in the right place. I take a chance and head into the Loft first. Looking, looking, looking, nothing. A few cute skirts and tops. Even picked a few up to go try on, but punished myself b/c I'm on a mission. Next stop, Macy's women. I can't go wrong here and look, there is even a really cute dress in the window, ON SALE....Wait a minute, they don't have my size. The smallest thing they have is a 0XL. I don't even know what that is, but this is not the store for me. Luckily a regular Macy's is right across the way. I hop on in, head upstairs to the suits and after a few minutes of digging around, see ONE navy suit in a plethora of sizes. Since I really am just concerned with the jacket, I try and few on and low and behold the sleeves aren't long enough. Maybe if I go up in sizes it might work. Nope, just made me closer to trying on the Macy's women's line. I head up to the counter to ask friendly Meg for her help. We literally walk around the entire women's department, asking every single person in every single department if they have a blue blazer or where I could go to get one. In their most helpful way they just shrug and say, gee, that's tough. Are you sure you don't need a black one? Please keep in mind, that I am currently WEARING a black blazer at that exact moment and for fear of popping the tops of their heads off and taking a bite, I graciously say thank you and continue my mission. I remembered seeing a Chico's after my Macy's women disaster so I popped in there. Apparently no one my age shops in that store b/c not a sole was around to help. I finally work my way through the store and use my best, please help me look. A kind lady acknowledges my distress signal and comes over to help. I explain what I am looking for and where I am looking and she too asks that same questions. Are you sure you need Navy? You do know how hard that color is to find right now? It's not exactly the color of summer. My Jim Halpert face was dying inside of me wanting to get out. Thank you lady, but I mean really. I've heard a lot of questions here in the past hour, but asking me if I really need a Navy blazer was a little ridiculous. Helpful Hannah tells me to check out Banana Republic and see if they might have anything. As she points me in the completely wrong direction in which I head...to the wrong dead end of the mall. Please note that I am still in my work attire, including shoes and have been walking around since 7:30 this morning. A "small" stinging sensation is now travelling from the bottoms of my feet to the sides. I about face and go back in the direction I was just sent. Finally find BR only to find exactly what I knew was going to be there; khaki, black, and grey suits. At this point I'm just over it. I head to another helpful aid who then actually takes me to the men's section, b/c OF COURSE they have jackets. Unfortunately our grand idea didn't work b/c no matter how small the suit, it still looked like I borrowed it from my dad. We stand around talking for a little while b/c honestly, if I walked around anymore, I might look insanely crazy. After calming down, I just decided to head back into Macy's buy the blue suit and say to hell with it. If they have a problem with the suit, they should have bought me a blazer! Plus, the damn thing was on sale, so I got entire Navy suit for $100, of their money. After an hour and a half, one fiber bar, a bottle full of water and extremely achy feet, I head to the homestead where I am anxiously awaiting taking my heels off. I pull into the parking spot and head to my oasis. Bottom lock, done. Top lock......top lock.....TOP LOCK!!!!! I play around with this thing for about 5-7 minutes. Hoping someone might see a damsel in distress and come help. No such luck. I knew the landlady lived right behind the apartment so I went to knock on her door. I WISH I had the kind of imagination to make this whole next part up. She stands at the top of her steps, with her dog barking at me, and just looking at me. Her attire: black sweat shirt with skeleton outline on it. Black Reebok. Jeans with....what is that? Are you seriously going to come to the door with your belt undone? Yes, the answer is yes. So after her standing there for a few moments, she comes down and opens the door just about 2 centimeters. Enough for her to ask who the hell I am. What I should I have said "Have you accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior"? What I actually said, Ummm, I'm staying in Hal's place and I can't get the deadbolt unlocked. Door shuts in my face, and moments later she comes back with the spare key. Still does not open the door any further than she needs to hand the key to me and makes sure to say, "bring that back"! With spare key in hand, I'm feeling a little better about getting into the apartment. Put her key in the lock and the same thing happens again. After another 2 minutes of me practicing my yoga meditation breathing, I hear her coming around the corner. I'm guessing that she thinks I'm a complete moron so she trys herself. I'm thinking to myself that I'm okay if she breaks the lock, since it's technically her place anyway. We work on this for a little while when Tony comes home. Oh Tony...Tony, Tony, Tony. I'm assuming that he's the maintenance man? Who knows though. He has a killer licence plate holder with "scary" shark teeth on it, not one, but TWO skull and cross bone stickers on the back of his Mitsubishi, and his hat is so big that he has to fold it up in the back. Picture if you will and extremely good looking guy that cleans himself and then do the complete opposite and you have Tony. He's also no spring chicken either. So now there are three of us and I can't think of a great blonde joke to tell here, but it certainly would be a good one. Landlady Laurie leaves to go get supplies and Tony comes equipped with WD40. Sprays the lock, tries it again, and nothing. Meanwhile, I hear Laurie on the phone behind me with the police. One of her other tenants had somehow come to her house while we were so diligently working on this lock and told her that someone needs the cops called b/c ole whathisname thinks they are going insane. Hoping this guy wasn't talking about me, I hear Laurie with the policeman saying that they have to come get the guy again b/c he wanted to be taken away. I'm guessing Laurie has the cops on speed dial if this isn't the first time this has happened. What the hell is going on here?!? Once Laurie returns, she tells me to go inside and chill on the couch. Upon entering her house, I am greeted by small white puff of hair that barks while backing up into the rest of the house. This makes me miss Scout, but as I ascend to the rest of the casa I decide against her recommendation of sitting on the couch and head to the fireplace. It's here that I am completely by myself, inside a strangers house, literally sitting directly next to a bongo drum. Again, I repeat, WTF is going on here? After another few moments, Laurie comes in and starts to call AAA and locksmiths. She's telling everyone what she gets from her Platinum membership with AAA. I know she's trying to help, but I'm seriously going crazy here. She finds someone to come out and since I have had to pee for about 2 hours now, I ask to use her restroom. As she points me in the direction of her bedroom, she says, don't mind the mess. Laurie, I'm not sure anything would surprise me right now, but if I don't pee, I'm going to stain your carpet, oh wait, looks like that's been done already. For fear of finding out what the "mess" would involve, I keep my head down and just go to the room she gave me directions too. I'm sorry, did you say don't mind the mess, or pay no attention to my clean dishes that are on my bathroom counter? Are you serious? Do you really not have a kitchen sink in this place? You are a landlady for a number of different units in this area and THIS is where you do your dishes? Holy Christ I'm going to get stolen and kept for ransom. I quickly get my business done and while I'm heading in the direction to wash my hands, I hear a male voice. Oh God, this is it! I'm doomed. I'm finished. And no one knows where I am. I slowly open the bedroom door and see her son with no shirt on and brown all over the back of his shorts. Yeah, might want to apologize for that one too. "Who's that"? I'm standing right here. You could ask me, but no, no Laurie wanted the pleasure. By the way, you might want to be a little nicer to me poo stains. B/c you're definitely in your late 20's/early 30's, you live with your mom, and you pooped your pants. But go ahead, pass judgement on me. Once the locksmith arrived, I could have, and would have, open mouth kissed him if I wasn't fearful that tooth loss was contagious. He's out trying to get into the apartment for a good 20-25 minutes. I decide to get up and look out the window where maybe someone could see me if I did get stolen. I take a very discreet look around and notice a to-do list on a tiny pad of paper. Oh how nice. Let's see what you needed to do today. Toilet paper, cereal...oh no, it's grocery list. I can't wait to see what you people eat. Water, Weed....wait, what? What did that just say? I mean, for sure you guys smoke a lot of pot, and I'm sure together, but did you really just write that down? As if you would forget? Oh please, oh please, oh please Mr. Locksmith, you have to fix this problem immediately. Well, after an excruciating 2 hours with these people, the door finally opened and I was allowed to take my shoes off. I'm fairly certain that my tennis shoes are now forever stuck on my feet, but it's a small price to pay to not have to have sleep over time with Laurie and Tiny Tim. Like I said, it was a bad day.